As I was growing up I never learned to deal with my anger because I was always told to hold it at bay, put it aside, and don’t act out on it or I would be punished. I was not allowed to show my anger at my elders or people in authority. But I was also never told why. Neither was I told, nor taught how to deal with my anger. Drugs and alcohol had become a refuge for me whenever I felt anger or my temper starting to act up. It calmed me down but in the long run I had lost all control over my drug/alcohol use and abuse. I could not stop. Anger became my cover up when I was feeling sad or afraid. Then my family also used anger to cover up their feelings of fear, and often even sadness. So I turned to drugs as my escape from my negative emotions. Then, because of their fears, pains and anger my family had turned to controlling behaviors to deal with their negative emotions.
After almost 30 years of active drug use and being in recovery (free from drugs & alcohol) for almost seven years now, I have learned that there is one emotion that if not dealt with is very dangerous for me (a chemical dependent), and my family members (co-dependents). For most people dealing with addiction and addictive personalities, the most common trigger for drug use or relapse into drug use for the drug abuser, and then for relapse into controlling, blaming behaviors in the family members, is anger. The worse part is that any unresolved anger turns into resentments. Resentments is the number one trigger for relapse of the chemically dependent and the co-dependent as well. With this article I hope to be able to help you better deal with our anger, and resentments as well, so that we may have a better life in recovery with ourselves, and our family.
Anger is a word we apply to a wide range of feelings. Such as:
- Anger can be as simple as a minor irritation.
- We frequently feel angry when we’re frustrated or when our plans are thwarted.
- Annoyances may be barely noticeable at first, but if annoyances continue, they can generate considerable wrath.
- We feel a form of anger when we’re disappointed and let down most often it takes the form of resentment.
- When we’re angry, but don’t want to make a deal of it, we use a euphemism, “I’m reallyteed-off.”
Anger is frequently a response to being hurt or suffering loss. Even so, we may not recognize it as such. For example, if someone says, “I never get angry,” they may really not know how to recognize their anger, or they are very much aware of their anger and want to deny it, because they’ve been taught that these kinds of feelings are socially unacceptable, bad, or wicked. Sometimes people want to deny their anger because they fear it—they fear that they’ll unleash a torrent of rage, go completely out of control, and cause some kind of irreparable harm.
It is important to recognize the feeling of anger because anger is a natural emotion. It’s normal to feel angry at times. Anger becomes problematic when, on the one hand we pretend it doesn’t exist, or on the other hand we use or anger to manipulate and intimidate others.
There are two steps in understanding anger:
1. First, get to know your own anger better in all its varieties. See how it affects you; how your breath quickens and your pulse pounds. Feel the flush of blood to your face and the tension in your hands, legs, neck and stomach. Notice how your facial muscles change, get a good look at yourself.
2. Learn to direct your anger in an appropriate way to the appropriate people.
Expressing anger is a natural, healthy response and is necessary to keep oneself healthy and in balance. Sometimes feeling angry can be unpleasant. To hold anger back and dwell on it adds to the hurt that caused it and can make you feel even more unpleasant.
There is a difference between a person who releases appropriate anger when injured and a person who seems to be chronically angry and venting most of the time. A chronically angry and bitter person often feels short changed in life and blames others for his problems. This is using anger as a defense and a rationalization for blaming others. This is not healthy or appropriate type of anger. Specificity is a good measure of appropriate anger. It is tied to an event or situation that can be specifically described. Assertive behavior prevents aggressive behavior. Assertive behavior protects one’s rights and feelings, whereas aggression attacks someone else’s rights and feelings.
Here are some tips that will help us deal with anger in a healthy manner so as to minimize relapse in a drug dependent or controlling/blaming behaviors in a co-dependent.
1. Let anger show, do not “clown feelings away” or argue inside your head without telling the offender. It’s O.K. to feel hurt. However, you can make choices about your behavior prior to acting. Do not give other people who’ve hurt you free rent in your head.
2. Identify why you are angry. Try to realize that it is the behavior of another person (not the other person himself/herself), or something beyond your control, that is making you feel angry. Try to realize the fact that we cannot change other people, but we can change our reaction to other people. Look and see if the anger you feel is because someone or something did not turn out the way you wanted them or it be.
3. Detach from your reactive behavior. Try respond instead of reacting as follows:
a. What made you feel angry?
b. Can you do anything to change the situation, issue, or behavior that made you angry?
c. Think about what you plan to do about the situation. Will it make the situation right or will it aggravate it.
d. Ask yourself how you feel about your plan. Are you comfortable with what you plan to do? Will this solve the issue that made you angry in the first place? Is this the most caring thing for you to do for yourself, or any others involved? Is the appropriate response to the anger you are feeling?
e. If you are satisfied with the answers to the above-mentioned questions and feel comfortable with your plan of action, then go ahead and do it. Chances are your anger has already subsided by now.
4. If your anger is so intense that you feel you are just about to explode try the following suggestions before you think of how to respond to your anger:
- Go for a walk, jog, swim, read a book.
- Talk to someone you trust and can confide in.
- Say the Serenity Prayer
GOD
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO
ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
* * *
For more information, please feel free to contact us at Recovery House anytime. Our telephone numbers are 2315229 or 2331881. You may also email us at recoveryhousecebu@yahoo.com.ph.