Co-Dependency: What's it all about?

Many have been searching and looking for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in relationships and childhoods. Many were raised in families where addictionsexisted—some were not. In either case, it has been found in a persons life that codependence is a most deeply-rooted, compulsive behavior and that it is born out of sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.

People have experienced in their own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their childhood and relationships throughout their lives. Most of them attempted to use others—their mates, their friends, and even their children—as their sole source of identity, value, and well-being and as a way of trying to restore within them the emotional losses from their childhoods. Their histories may include other powerful addictions which at times they have used to cope with their own codependence.

So what is codependency really all about? Here are a few patterns of behavior of a codependent person:

Denial Patterns:

•I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

•I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

•I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

•I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”

•I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

•I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

•I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

•I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

•I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.

•I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

•I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

•I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

•I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

•I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

•I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

•I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.

•I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

•I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

•I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

•I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

•I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Relationship Patterns - Codependents may find that they:

•Diminish their social circle as they become involved with another person. 

•Link their dreams for the future to the other person.

•Link their quality of life to that of the other person.

•Try to control the other person’s appearance, dress, and behavior, feeling that these things are a reflection on them.

•Do not realize that being vulnerable is a means to greater intimacy.

•Do not know or believe that asking for help is both okay and normal.

•Use giving as a way of feeling safe in a relationship.

•Question or ignore their own values in order to connect with the other person.

•Remain steadfastly loyal, even when such loyalty is unjustified and personally harmful.

Codependent persons have all learned to survive life, but in reality, need learning to live life. No matter how traumatic their past or despairing their present may seem, there is hope for a new day for all. No longer does the codependent need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended—Precious and Free. For more information, please feel free to contact us at Recovery House anytime 32-2315229 or 233-1881. Or visit us at Sanson Road Extension, Lahug.