Major Mermaid rant

Okay, first of all, can I just say that we do not comb our hair with that human eating apparatus that you call “fork.” Whoever that Walt Disney guy was he definitely had the wrong idea about our grooming habits—that is if we have them. I mean, hello we live in water like—all the time.

That cartoon had it all wrong! It is impossible for us to have legs. Well okay, I know that was a fantasy or something but it’s wrong. It’s giving the kids here the wrong impression about themselves. If you humans out there are like, dying to have bigger boobs and stuff, kids here nowadays want to have legs!! Just coz of that stupid cartoon! I mean, we’re teaching them to learn to love who they are!

Well I, for one, do not want to have legs. For your information, I am one of the fastest swimmers here in our place. I have won several swim track competitions! I made a record by swimming around the world in just three days. Three days!!! Believe me honey, no one can do that with just legs! 

Besides, mermaid fins are pretty. They change color depending on our mood. So yeah, just imagine if you worry about your face blushing everytime you see your crush! We have half our body turning magenta everytime we see our crush! Talk about major embarrassment. Geeez.

And yes, speaking about crushes—eeeww. Us? Falling in love with human beings??? That was really funny. Me and my girlFINS were laughing so bad when we heard that fake mermaid girl named Ariel fell in love with a human being. Of course not! It’s like you human beings falling in love with a martian! I mean, no offense, but seriously, your type of specie are so not our type! We like our mermen just fine thank you very much.

And can I just ask? What’s the deal with those dynamite fishers? I mean, we pretty much leave you guys alone, what’s the deal with trying to destroy our habitat? I heard that when you guys were in school you had fire drills and all. We had dynamite fishing drills in our school!!! It’s like a super major thing here in our place when something like that happens. I was a volunteer for Aqualandia’s Disaster Control Committee once, and believe me...many of our fish friends died and lost their homes! Our kingdom was blown to bits! We had to rebuild it again. It was our own version of 9/11. 

I mean please, whoever is hearing me right now, please, the next time you make a movie about us, can you quit it already with the mermaid-falls-in love-with-a-human being-plot? Make a movie about our swim track competitions! Or how about a documentary on what really happened to us after that major dynamite fishing tragedy?

There are so many other misconceptions about us...but I can’t stay above water for long. My gills are already turning pale pink, and that is not a good thing. Til here, human friend. The ocean awaits.