Avoiding or mending a love-and-hit relationship

For two people in love there is no safer place to be than in each other's company. The parties in the love relationship swear to support and protect each other in any difficulty or from any harm. But the incidence of spouse battering is common. And we ask: How could a person afford to hit the one he loves?

Fighting, arguing and hitting are usually a result of frustration. And often the disconcerted person takes his frustration on another-often a loved one, such as a child, spouse, parent or friend. Most of us don't really want to fight, but when everyday problems or tensions get to us, our tempers easily explode. A love-and-hit relationship is widespread, although not limited, among families in an economically hard-up situation. Usually it's one of the couple that abuses the other, or their dependents. In some cases, violence is just the prevailing culture in the home. In others, the abuser swings from being meek to being furious at the slightest provocation or for no reason at all.

In the case of abusers who don't seem to see any wrong in their behavior, certainly a psychiatric, even punitive, intervention is necessary. Counseling by a professional may help some of them to develop the skills for living in harmony with others, with loved ones especially. However, for those whose tendency for cruelty is very high and seemingly uncontrollable, the best solution perhaps is to tuck them away in a facility where they cannot be a threat to others.

For those trapped in a love-and-hit relationship, the following tips may help. These are especially helpful to the one who's causing the violence. If you sincerely want to correct your behavior, one or two of these ideas should work for you in avoiding a fight with your spouse or other loved ones. When you feel that your blood is beginning to boil, try any of the following:

Stop and take a deep breath. Inhale deeply enough to bloat your belly, and then exhale. Repeat several times. Concentrate on your breathing. Count how many such breaths you take in two minutes. Make a phone call. It doesn't matter who you call. Call a friend, family member or even a local utility company for some information. The idea is to talk with someone who is not involved in the current situation that's causing your anger.

Stop and look in the mirror. Spend a few minutes in front of a mirror. Study your face, the folds and wrinkles. Or, if you like, talk out what's bothering you.

Hit something, instead of someone. For example, punch your bed. Better still, go out and walk around for ten minutes or so. Look at your neighborhood and notice what's around. If you're angry enough to kick a tree, fine, kick it-just be careful of your toes. Physical activity is one of the best alternatives for appeasing violent impulses.

Write down your angry thoughts and feelings. Get a pen and paper and write as much as you can about how you feel and what you'd like to do about it. You're the only one who's going to read it, so write whatever comes to mind without censoring. Try to get out the frustration so it doesn't have to be expressed in a fight or in a physical way. When you're done, tear to pieces what you've written and burn it. Grab a magazine and rip it up. Rip a few pages at a time, then sit down and read what you ripped. If the pages are really in tatters, put the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle and then try to read the pages. Lie down on the floor and do some simple exercises. A few sit-ups or push-ups would be helpful enough. Doing some simple exercises would help direct your anger into a more positive activity, even if you're not feeling positive.

Go into the bathroom. Often the bathroom is the only place to get some privacy and quiet. Take a magazine or book with you. Sit and relax for 10-20 minutes. This would be a time to think about what your feelings are. Maybe you're frustrated by your child, but will hitting the kid help? Maybe your spouse makes you angry, but destructive fighting will only make matters worse. Take time to look at the situation and think of ways to make it better.

Get yourself something to eat. Sit down alone and munch on a piece of fruit or a sandwich. For some people, chewing helps to relieve tension and frustration.

If the violent impulse is so great that no matter what you try you still can't seem to calm yourself down, then it's time to seek professional help. A qualified counselor or therapist can help you talk out your feelings and look at other alternatives for dealing with your anger. Most of all, do not overlook asking the help of your family. Even if they are oftentimes the victims of your rage, for sure they will be much willing to help you out of the hurtful habit-for their own peace and yours as well.