Starting Over

I love that January always begins with rain. It makes me feel like everything is new. Like the dirt of the past year has been washed away by the rain and that I can begin again. Like I can start over.

Only, I never really can. Not at work because the school year starts in June. January is nearing the end, nearing graduation. January means it is the closing of the season and having to let go again. And even in June, when I start with a new batch of kids, I am not starting over. I am building upon something, upon experiences which will make me better, upon trials which have humbled me and upon memories which strengthen my passion for work.

There's no starting over for my financials. At the end of the year I am usually broke. And even if I want to say I can start over by saving in January, I will always wonder how I spent my money over the holidays. I will look at the gifts I bought for myself and wonder how one more shirt really was necessary and what justification I gave to myself for another pair of shoes.

I can make one hundred New Year's resolutions and believe that they will make me a better person. But to have been able to make them must mean that I am not really starting over but that I am changing something.

I cannot start over with relationships. Not like they do in movies anyway. After a tumultuous first date or a harrowing first meeting, one of the characters always extends his hand and says: How about we start over? My name is... and then the film fades to black making the audience feel like they can do that in the real world too. Only we can't. We either let go of relationships or we work to repair the damage we've done. We can forgive. We can give second chances. And we may forget the cause of the hurt. But at the end of the day, we will always come to the conclusion that we did not start over, we merely moved on.

And moving on, not starting over, is what January's should be about. To start over is to erase everything in the past, to lump up everything and send them to the incinerator. To start over is to smooth out all the lines on our faces and to burn all photographs. To start over is to have social, spiritual and emotional amnesia.

But to move on is to look at the past, to look at the good and say: I will bring you with me into the future because I want to be able to make you better. It is to look at the bad and say: I will bring you with me because I will learn from you. It is to look at crosses and trials and say: I know you are painful but you have made me stronger. It is to look at how I have hurt others and say: I will not forget so that I will not repeat. It is to look at another year and to say: I cannot start over but I can move on. I have another chance to serve better, fight less, work harder, journey farther, and love more.

I can look at the January rain and watch it wash the earth clean. And when the sun comes up tomorrow I can move on into the future.