Are we there yet? Absurdity on two wheels

I have recently come across some articles talking about scooters and mopeds.  From innovative helmets that are smarter than the buffoon wearing it, to different resolutions being drafted to try to control these uncivilized buzzards, the news world is ripe with information from the absurd to the extremely and uselessly absurd.

First, let’s start with what is touted to be the world’s smartest helmet.  For those who have comic book superhero hang-ups, this innovative helmet will make you feel like Tony Stark, aka Iron Man.  According to the info on its website, this helmet has a heads up display that connects to a rear facing camera to help the rider see what’s behind them.  That’s great!  But isn’t that what those rearview mirrors, that are supposedly mandatory on all scooters and mopeds, are for?  The problem really isn’t with them not being able to see what’s behind them, it’s their apparent disregard for personal safety, as they zigzag in between lanes, that makes them the dangerous dits that they are. 

Going back to the helmet, the manufacturers have added Bluetooth connectivity to allow the driver to connect their smart phones for hassle-free communications.  Voice-command is also integrated into the system to make everything truly hands-free.  I wonder if the voice command is programmed to understand and correctly interpret wrong pronunciation though.  Not all scooter and moped drivers work in offices that have a mandatory English-only policy.  A lot of them drive scooters and mopeds to these workplaces but, that’s only because they are ferrying the employees to these places while wearing sub-standard, non-regulatory helmets.  And to hope that these two-wheeled nitwits would purchase the smart helmet would be an exercise in futility.  At around seventy thousand pesos each, only Tony Stark could afford such headgear.  Then again, only the billionaire genius would be equally as smart as the helmet.  Now, on to another two-wheel news absurdity. 

Apparently, different cities in the country are drafting laws that require two-wheeled drivers to do the craziest of things.  One city up in the imperial north mandates scooter drivers to wear a reflective vest or any type of sleeved clothing that has the vehicle’s license plate boldly enlarged and emblazoned on the back of the apparel.  According to the article, this move is to curb the rising number of crimes committed by “riding in tandem” motorcycle riders.  So let me see if I got this straight.  By wearing an oversized replica of a plate number, a person with criminal intent will be discouraged from committing a crime?  What kind of flawed logic is that?  Oh, and it gets better.

Another city from the imperial north thinks that by only allowing family or relatives to “ride in tandem,” they can also help curb crime.  Apparently, these people will have to, somehow, carry identification that will show proof beyond reasonable doubt that they are related to the driver.  I suggest they wear vests or jackets with an oversized and authenticated print of their birth or marriage certificates to help the equally witless enforcers deter crime.  Oh, and don’t forget your 1”x1” full body family photo for additional proof.

Again, it’s not about drafting law after law after law that we don’t implement anyway.  It’s about strictly implementing and enforcing the basic traffic laws.  Law and traffic enforcers: Start with that and you’ll find no reason to further draft even crazier rules that have no use whatsoever.

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