I am on my seventh year in writing these weekly science columns. While for the most part I share with you fascinating discoveries I come across about ourselves, others and the world, I also realize that it helps to occasionally punctuate the weekly series with horrible warnings in the form of confirmed stories that had happened to people who would have gained from the kind of science related to certain decisions they made which became their final ones. I have always considered one treasure spot for this kind of cases: www.darwinawards.com. It is the website that grew out of a book with the same title by Wendy Northcutt — a book which had me laughing like a mad woman while I was alone on a train ride when the first edition came out around six years ago. The Darwin Award is necessarily a posthumous one that “honors those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it!” Below are a mix of gems from 2007 and 2008 even if the current year’s list is still open. Below, I give you a brief and the science lesson I think these awardees could have benefited from.
1. Entitled “The Enema Within,” this story involved a Texan guy who loved booze so much that let us just say, he literally did a “bottoms up” of 1.5 liters of sherry. Apparently, alcohol gets more absorbed through the rectal cavity than the standard way which is through an opening right below the nose called the “mouth.” When doctors examined him, he had a .47 percent blood alcohol level which the award citation described to be enough to “embalm” himself and definitely way beyond what is required for you to keep from “spiriting” toward the afterlife.
Science lesson he should have known: While alcohol may smell the same, there are different amounts required for partying and embalming yourself. It is useful to know these amounts before you consume any alcohol so you are sure to match the amount with your goal.
2. In Germany, a 49-year-old man lost his grip while attempting to impress his wife by doing pull-ups from the railings of the balcony of their eighth floor unit. As a result, he landed unimpeded on the ground floor, eternally losing his future chances to impress his wife further.
Science lesson he should have known: Considered one of 10 most beautiful experiments in science — Galileo’s Motion of Falling Bodies. And since we are feeling generous albeit late, we can even throw Newton’s wise laws about how gravity can really be a bummer.
3. In Guadalajara, Mexico, a 24-year-old hotel worker named Jessica decided that instead of using the intercom or walking downstairs to get what she needed, she would just stick her head into the open shaft of the elevator and yell to the people below. Let us just say that as she was doing this, she somehow missed seeing the elevator going up and as elevators would have it, it did not stop just because her head was along its route. The result was described by the award citation in a way that I could never state any better: “Since an elevator cage and a skull are both solid objects, one had to give. Let’s just say, the elevator won.”
Science lesson she should have known: Too many to mention. Make an appointment with me if you really need the list.
4. In the Czech Republic, a gang of uncoordinated thieves tried to rob some steel scraps from a factory but failed to note that they should exclude from their loot plans, the steel support of the roof of the factory. A roof with no support will in no time, cease to be a roof, which reliably happened in this case as it came down crushing the thieves, killing two out of the five.
Science lesson they should have known: Gravity never sleeps.
5. In California, four friends rode on motorbikes at night where they felt there was no need for them to wear helmets or to turn on their headlights. The award citation mentioned that the title that medical emergency workers have for these kamikazes while they were still alive was “Future Organ Donors.” With the resulting deadly collisions, the putative title could now be considered fulfilled.
Science lesson they should have known: Light is useful for seeing things, particularly those headed your way.
6. In Pennsylvania, a 23-year-old man bedecked with numerous body piercings wanted to have an electrifying experience. In pursuit of this desire, he connected two alligator clips of an electronic control tester to the piercings on his chest (yes, right where the heart is).
Science lesson he should have known: Electricity and things like metal piercings really get along and unless you are a dead car that needs some jumpstarting, it is best to never get in between this friendship.
7. While hunting for birds in upstate New York, a 50-year-old man got irritated with his dog because it would not give up a deer bone that it had found. The man tried to hit his dog with the gun as if it were a club but the gun hit the ground instead and fired, hitting and fatally wounding the hunter.
Science lesson: Dogs like bones. Ain’t nothing you can do about it.
8. In India, a group of journalists decided to confront on foot, the wild elephants which apparently under the stress of monsoons and landslides, had previously killed 11 people. The journalists were not particularly gifted to out-marathon the elephants so the story ended with a Darwin award for one of the journalists.
Science lesson: Elephants, particularly wild ones, are not crazy about ambush interviews.
9. A Catholic priest in Brazil named Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, lifted himself with a bunch of helium party balloons. He was well equipped: survival suit, an “aerodynamic” chair, even a satellite phone and a GPS. But he did not know how to use a GPS so when the winds blew him off to the open sea, he could not tell the rescuers his exact location. The rest of the story was described by the details of his award in a way I could never top: “Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest’s body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.”
Science lesson (quote) he should have known: “Houston, we have a problem.”
10. In New Jersey, an episode happened that did not exactly earn a Darwin Award but an Honorable Mention. But I decided that it is in the best interest of science that it be included here. It was an intimate episode between a man and his beloved vacuum cleaner. The said man stuck his manhood in the hose of the vacuum cleaner, oblivious that the suction is made possible by the natural effects of rotating blade fans. In the end, let us just say that while the vacuum incident did not take the 51-year-old’s life, it ultimately “teppanyaki-ed” his nature-given hose.
Science lesson he should have known: There is a proper scabbard for every sword.
Now you can’t say I did not warn you.
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