Wedding science gift registry

Sorry folks if this gift guide from science is quite late in the making, at least for your own June weddings or those you have to attend this month. But you might just thank me for being late. The then future mom-in-law of my friend who was the bride in a wedding I attended a couple of years ago, seriously frowned at me when she saw that I gave one suitcase (yes, one) as my gift. Well, considering that my friend has run away so many times before (but not from her own weddings), I wanted to give her something that may one day come in, well, handy. But come to think of it, the list below are suggestions from science, quite lasting at least in the scientific ideas and processes they propose and show, and as one famous lawyer, Clarence Darrow, said before in a landmark case called the Scopes Trial where he won the case to teach evolution as a science in schools: "An idea is more powerful than a cathedral." So you may want to consider the following items:

1. "Center of my World" map: This is something you can show to the beloved who always asks the question. It is a survey map showing that your beloved is the center of your world, or at least the center of something. I got this idea from a related item in the New Scientist "no more socks" gift guide. Being physically the "center" is a relative matter. You can always create a map, making anything the center of something, and even enlarge the area, with countries and even geologic faults and canals surrounding your beloved in the middle.

2. Mother of all heirloom: This will shame all your ancestral jewelry collection, even if you come from royalty. And forget diamonds or rubies. Archaeologists have very recently dug up what appear to be the oldest ornaments used by humans and they are not even in the neighborhood of being "Imeldific." They consist of shells fashioned as beads. Two of the shells (100,000 years old) were found in a cave in Israel while the other (90,000 years old) was found in Algeria These finds are detailed in the current journal of Science.

3. Instant snow: You can get this item from the New Scientist gift list too. In case you have always planned a winter honeymoon somewhere but have not come up with the budget yet, this is the consolation. It consists of some kind of powdery crystals to which you add a little moisture and whola – instant snow! You can even have your wedding guests throw this at you as you march out of your ceremony.

4. Photo of your house from space: If you are one of those who, for some reason or another, are able to convince yourselves or your parents that it would be wise to build the biggest mansion you could before you even get married, this is for you. It is a picture of your humongous mansion visible from space at low-orbit just like the Great Wall! (Note: it is a myth that the Great Wall of China is visible from the Moon.) With private space exploration open now, you can probably ask them to take the photo for you.

5. Ecosphere: This is like a test-drive for future parental responsibility and can also be found in New Scientist online. It is a sealed container that has red shrimp and algae swimming in a soup of seawater. It is born out of NASA scientists’ ideas to explore possibilities for self-contained living communities for long-term space flights (which also sound like a NASA term for "marriage"). All you need is to make sure it gets light, artificial or natural, to allow the algae to produce oxygen and goodies for the shrimps, which in turn produce carbon dioxide and nutrients for the algae to feed on. The point? If you can’t take care of shrimps and algae, you might want to think twice about having kids.

6. MRI photographs of the couple’s brains: Scientific studies have shown that certain parts of the brain light up when you think of your beloved. Well, call it a "meeting of minds" but for a good sum and having to answer "why" from your friendly neurologist, you can pose for a MRI shot of your brain while thinking of your beloved. Warning: do not look at MRI shots of the "mentally ill" as they are known to have uncanny similarities with MRI photos of brains in love.

7. Street named "Desireé": City mappers take note. Lovers usually would like to name certain things after their beloved or at least promise to. And since you cannot name a star or any other heavenly body after your beloved unless you get the okay from the International Astronomical Union, ask your city mappers what it would take to name some unnamed street in some remote part of the country, or reclaimed area, after her or him.

8. "Look-up umbrella": This is for those literal and metaphorical rainy days in your marriage. Your wedding video is projected against the backdrop of blue skies a la Windows 95, to the inside flap of your umbrella so that when you open it and look up, you will be reminded of those sunny days.

9. Teleportation vouchers: Grooms take note. There would be days when, for reasons beyond your immediate comprehension, she would think you are doing or saying everything wrong. Those days, you would want to get out of there fast while she cools off. For those days, it might be good to cash in on teleportation vouchers which would enable you to be transported almost instantaneously from the potentially dangerous spot where you are to somewhere safe. Try to hold off as long as you could though because for now scientists have only been successful at teleporting one atom.

10. Pre-paid appointment with animal trainer. This gift may be useful in mid-life. A very interesting and funny June 25 New York Times article by Amy Sutherland entitled "What Shamu taught me about a happy marriage" chronicles her mid-life marriage issues with her husband and how she consulted an animal trainer for some solutions to the impossible. After all, she said, these trainers could make apes try skateboards and make hyenas pirouette on call. It will teach you techniques like "approximations" (rewarding your spouse for even the most trivial behavior that you favor) and "least reinforcing syndrome" (not responding at all to even the least unfavorable behavior).

11. Y The Descent of Men: For the husband. This book is not to be confused with Charles Darwin’s The Descent of Man. It is by a top geneticist and excellent science writer, Steve Jones. There would be times when your man would feel low and inadequate. This is a book that would assure him that there was nothing he himself could have personally done since scientific trends seem to really point a downhill biological trend for men. You may want to hold off getting him Bryan Sykes’ book called Adam’s Curse, though. It predicts men’s disappearance in 125,000 years. The bride, however, may get it for herself, at her own pleasure (or even relief.)

12. Aged picture of couple. There is a software that morphs current photos to predict what they would look like after a given number of years. Get one that even factors in weight gain and the effects of habits like smoking or drinking. You can have this photo framed so that you will be primed for the changes and never be in for surprises.

And as in all other gift lists past, I claim no responsibility for any distress, divorce or unexpected chain of ridicule (or curses) that could ensue when your gift is received. Happy shopping.

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