7 circles of hell for traffic sinners

Italian poet Dante Alighieri’s vision of hell, through his epic Divine Comedy, continues to reach out to us from the bowels of the 14th century. It earns our fascination with its timeless, interesting sense of justice – a particularly graphic one that metes imaginatively appropriate punishment for specific sins. Instead of nebulous amounts of jail time for particular transgressions, Dante imagines gluttons in lying in a vile slush, the greedy bearing great weights and locked in competition, traitors to family up to their chins in ice, and such.

Filipinos, noted for being forgiving and/or having a short memory, are also a patient lot. I suspect that we shirk from actively seeking vengeance because our religious beliefs (and intrinsic friendliness) imbue us with trust in divine justice – karma, even; that those who sow evil and do us harm will one day get their just desserts. Poetic justice is ultimately the best form of revenge, because we nary have to lift a finger to get satisfaction. It is the antagonist that does himself or herself in.

Still, I see no harm in imagining divine punishment on they who make our lives on the road a sad comedy or, more appropriately hell.

So, next time, do not yet abandon hope, all ye who drive.

1st circle of traffic hell

The first circle of traffic hell is devoted to cabbies who tamper with their meters, as well as the greedy, opportunistic idiots who insist on contracting insane fares with hapless commuters. In this circle of hell, these drivers (and the operators who enable them) absolutely cannot find a ride home after a day at work. Everyone else gets rides except them. Should they have the benefit of private transportation, the engine won’t start, whatever they do.

2nd circle of traffic hell

Populated by counter-flowing nincompoops, wang-wang “VIPs,” and gun-toting road-ragers, this circle of hell is an appropriate nightmare. They and their bully bodyguards will have to pass through a single-lane, 100-kilometer one-way street. On both sides of the road are big, burly soldiers with high-powered weapons. As you correctly suspect, they all have trigger fingers and are extremely willing to use excessive force on arrogant people. And oh, just to make things more interesting, the VIP convoy is following a smoke-belching trailer chugging along at 20 kph. How important do you feel now, mister elite?

3rd circle of traffic hell

Gathering the most corrupt of traffic enforcers and traffic police, the third circle of inferno has them crammed in a bus with no seats (kind of like airport buses, but packed more like the rush-hour MRT). Each of them desperately needs to visit the toilet, but a pedestrian crossing appears every 100 meters or so. The bus driver, a nervous old driver who knows his passengers might whip out a ticket should he violate an imagined road rule, lets all people cross safely every time before driving out again – at 10 kph.

4th circle of traffic hell

Especially designed for motorists who follow traffic lights only when they know a traffic enforcer’s on the other side, this circle of hell employs a trapdoor that swallows vehicles that beat the red light. The offending motorists are then deposited onto where their journey started. Haha!

5th circle of traffic hell

Ever get ticked off by motorists who won’t let you into a lane even if your turn signal’s on, and you wave your hand in request? Yes, these are the morons who further aggravate traffic by ignoring common decency and “zipper merging” which is standard practice in more conscientious states. Hell for these thoughtless bastards would be to have their cars hooked up to the vehicle in front of them. I mean, they tailgate anyway. Let them try that on for size and see how much fun it is.

6th circle of traffic hell

Reserved for the most discourteous bus and jeepney driver who loads and unloads passengers in the middle of the road (yes, this is for you who screw up the traffic in EDSA Guadalupe), the seventh circle of traffic hell puts the repeat offenders in a purpose-made made bus or jeep where the driver is outside the vehicle – for all the world to see, and to suffer the heat and smoke. Other motorists/pedestrians outraged by the habits of said driver can smack him at will. Finally, these fools can be confronted easily. Instead of working out our anger through a stress ball, we can slap the offending drivers silly.

7th circle of traffic hell

Criminals who ride in tandem on motorcycles have a special place in our traffic hell. At the beginning of their infinite ride, the motorcycle riders and their passengers are given a dozen handbags with prickly spikes jutting out. The duo must make their way through densely populated alleyways where thieves lie in wait. The mission? Not to let the thieves get any of the bags. Each bag lost will earn them an additional two bags, weighed down by the hammers, guns, and other heavy objects they use to prey on hapless citizens. Their ride is endless, as is their gas supply. CCTV that, buster!