This is not a race.

MANILA, Philippines - “This is not a race” was all that was written in all caps on the first and last A4 pages of the entrant’s kit during the briefing held at the BMW Dealership in Libis last Wednesday, January 5. That may seem odd to some, especially to those who grew up watching the original Cannonball run flick, yet everywhere you looked, and every piece of literature you were handed professed the same thing. You can interpret that any way you like, but at the end of that 1,200 kilometer long and winding road, there is no trophy, no champagne and no national anthem played. But there were Castrol girls. And plenty of them. And for some, that was enough.

Welcome to the 2011 BOSS Iron Man Challenge. Where the men are are so tough that they don’t sweat just in case they rust.

The BOSS Iron Man has been around for six years now and has worked itself into local folklore already. It’s a grueling trek that takes you on an entire loop of Luzon from Balintawak to Clark via Bulacan, Nueva Ecija, Nueva Vizcaya, Isabela, Cagayan, Tugegarao Ilocos Norte, Ilocos Sur, La Union, Baguio, Pangasinan, Tarlac and Pampanga. There are some very serious people on even more serious machines that enter year after year. It is primarily a big bike event, but last year was the first year they allowed cars. Kevin Limjoco won it in a 300hp Genesis Coupe against a field of twelve, but this year registrations started kissing sixty cars and three hundred motorcycles, making it the largest in history and even managed to get the backing of such impressive companies like Castrol and BMW. “It’s an opportunity to showcase the amazing durability of our lubricants, which are all designed to withstand even the toughest conditions,” Ariel de Jesus, country manager of Castrol Philippines beamed proudly at the starting line at Home Depot Balintawak.

Asian Carmakers Corporation, the official BMW distributor in the Philippines and main sponsor, loaned us a BMW X1 1.8i for this event. I teamed up with Elbert Cuenca from Elbert’s Steak Room and decided to see what all the fuss was about first hand. Initially we were promised a diesel version, which is actually the only reason we agreed because according to Elbert’s calculations we would storm through the field on the strength of its fantastic balance between power and economy; but through some cruel twist of fate, we ended up with the gas version which didn’t just screw up our figures, but our wallets too.

The X1 is an exceptional vehicle that handles like a proper sports car yet has the ground clearance of a soft roader and the ruggedness of a mule. In the city, it performs beautifully, but wringing it out on those long provincial roads felt a bit like asking a child to do a man’s work. The 150 horsepower 2 liter four banger had to work harder than the good Lord had ever intended it to and punished us with fuel economy figures that would make a six-cylinder car blush.

But whatever we lacked in horsepower, we made up in technology. Aside from three iPhones, two iPads, Mifi and the car’s extensive on board computer, our X1 was wired with two Garmin GPS devices – one loaned to us by a contributor of roadguide.ph who prefers to remain anonymous, and one by Mark Tan, the official Garmin dealer in the Philippines. After realizing that the waypoints in my unit were not accurately plotted, it was quickly used solely as a trip computer that gave us our average moving speed, average total speed, time stopped, elevation and distances, while the other, which was plotted by our friend on the forums who simulated the route to vouch for its accuracy, was used as route guidance.

If there was a hero of the day, it would be wearing a cape with a big G on it – after all, there’s no point being quick if you don’t know where you’re going, otherwise you end up going nowhere fast. Put simply, the story would have ended up quite differently without our Garmins, as it did for many other competitors.

Elbert did most of the driving and seemed to have the stamina of Hayden Kho behind the wheel. He never missed a beat and made the most of every situation, gaining precious minutes in the process. I asked him repeatedly if he wanted to switch but he seemed to be in “the zone” and considering we were making great time, I let him be, although I did threaten to remove my Sanuks at one point when I saw his eyelids get a bit heavy. You’ve never seen a guy perk up so fast.

The X1, despite its small engine, handled the road superbly, soaking up all the punishment that the DPWH could dish out. It is a very impressive chassis that is overflowing with BMW’s legendary driving dynamics. But with an average consumption of 5.2 kilometers per liter, we ended up filling up six times at all those Flying V stations and losing valuable time along the way, especially in those provincial gas stations where the fuel bowsers pump out fuel at the same rate as the wheels of justice move in Somalia.

By comparison, most entrants had filled up twice or three times with some going for a one stop strategy with the addition of separate fuel tanks.

There are no rules regarding vehicles. So long as it is registered and roadworthy, a Bugatti Veyron can compete head to head with a Suzuki Alto for as much as anyone cares. And that is what makes it awesome. Provincial roads are a great equalizer and each one of the sixty different cars, from an old 1965 Porsche 911, to Love Love Tioseco and Win Dematera’s early nineties SUV, has its own advantage and its all about exploiting that when your time comes.

Despite our national anthem for the trip being, “Had we had the diesel” we managed to climb up to a staggering second place finish, after the defending champ took a wrong turn in Baguio City. Love Love managed to finish 11th despite having one of the oddest vehicles making her an Iron Woman just behind Isabel Nieto who finished third with Kevin Limjoco. It came down to strategy, team work, technology, intelligent driving, reading the roads correctly and good old fashioned common sense.

By Baguio City, though, I took the wheel because I knew I could take all of the credit once we hit the finish line, while poor Elbert sat there like an ashtray on a motorcycle. I hit the talk show circuits next week.

Official results won’t be in until a few days but provisionally, CATS Motors was the big winner with its drivers Iñigo Bilbao and RP Gorriceta in the newly launched Chrysler 300C Diesel. There’s that damn D word again.