The gift of family

This Christmas was a nostalgic experience for me, and most probably for those who belong to the baby boomer generation like me – those born between 1946 and 1964. This year I spent a four-day Christmas reunion with my husband’s family in Bulacan as the remaining members of his uncle and aunts from a big family of 15 siblings have now been whittled down to five, and they therefore chose to reunite as the passage of time and distance make it increasingly hard to gauge if they will still be able to travel to visit each other in the future.

My mother’s own large family of nine siblings are all gone now, with my last uncle’s death just this year. Most of my uncles and aunts’ children had moved abroad to the US and Australia early on. Thus, it has been decades since we had any big reunions, as cousins who had moved are no longer able to share that family kinship, choosing to raise their families in their chosen country. Any reunions were limited, brief and incomplete, with time and cost always a barrier to planning one big grand reunion to acquaint ourselves with the newest members.

Fortunately, in the case of my husband’s maternal family, an uncle with a successful international career was able to focus on his siblings and cover a large part of the cost of any reunions the family regularly had through the years, even as some settled in the US. But like most families, the passage of time has seen the demise of brothers and sisters, leaving only five. However, even for this reunion, only one sister was able to come home, as one aunt had to attend to family business in the US. The reunion was limited to four siblings and a couple of cousins.

The reality, even here in the Philippines, is that families are increasingly losing connection as we all pursue careers, businesses, goals, dreams and illusions. Even misunderstandings, as time immemorial has shown, also get in the way of family gatherings. Of course, the biggest factor is the cost of the reunion.

In the past, reunions were one big happy, messy gatherings with relatives squeezing in to one relative’s home, happily and gladly willing to sleep on the floor and getting into all sorts of chaos and fun – always fun for the kids and pure harassment for the host grandparents, aunts, or uncles who had  generously agreed to open their home to the siblings, cousins and even friends. The key, additionally, was also the easy and abundant availability of household help and those willing to do extra work.

I remember that even in our own modest home, my mother would gladly welcome visiting relatives from the province, cousins who had invited some friends, forcing me to give up my own bed as I was forced to share a bed sometimes with my mother and sister just to accommodate our relatives and guests.

How times have changed! Only the truly generous of heart and pocket are willing to play host to relatives nowadays, as most have been constrained by shrinking houses, with preference and financial capability to afford and own townhouses, apartments and condominiums in the city. The cost to the host is also enormous because apart from the physical discomfort and displacement, there are additional cost in terms of food expense, electricity, water, laundry and what have you monetary outlays.

The cost of housing through the years has become prohibitive, with lot sizes shrinking and maintenance expensive. Likewise, even the availability  of household help has become problematic, with the younger generation no longer keen on physical servitude, making it doubly difficult to invite or accommodate visiting relatives or friends.

Nowadays, relatives who want to visit their family have to consider the cost of paying for their own accommodation, which of course is a major factor in why most choose not to come home or do it on an individual journey so as not to burden their family. Travel cost is a big factor and for those who are in their senior years, the discomfort of a long plane journey is a top consideration. Even an economy plane fare nowadays is costly and a business class is quite an outlay especially for retirees.

An aunt in the US admits that the cost of living in the land of milk and honey is now so expensive that a trip back to the Philippines is indeed a luxury. She admits that eating out in the US has become a luxury, with food serving sizes also noticeably shrinking and expensive – especially with the increase in the required gratuity for servers. Eating home is now the preference in America.

Just like it has been in the US and other countries, Filipino relatives are all busy pursuing a profession or business, and no longer have the luxury of taking a vacation to attend to their visiting relatives. With the Mega Manila metropolis now so widespread, getting around the city or to the province is a logistical and costly problem considering the cost of fuel, tolls and the physical and emotional stress of traffic as balikbayans and visitors descend on Manila to spend the longest Christmas in the Philippines.

But as one matures, one thing holds true, the gift of family is so precious – that kinship, shared history, shared memories of kindness and generosity that each of us shed as we navigate our new world. A world  that now favors a single-minded approach to individuality – leading our own lives, choosing a solitary domicile, cocooning ourselves in smaller homes, relying on gadgets to gather information and connect instead of being in the midst of the family that laughs, cries, shares, fights but sticks together.

Spending Christmas with older relatives, sharing past family stories of growing up, idiosyncrasies, learning  of traditions, reliving past glories and shared pain, celebrating achievements, retracing family roots and connecting to a growing family of nephews and nieces and enjoying and reliving food memories of what our grandparents prepared – now lost as separate individual families choose to resort to commercially prepared foodstuff as their contribution – is a joy.

Then there is the nostalgia of remembering family members who are gone and the realization that nothing is certain of the future. It is also a sad reality that reunions and family gatherings are now witnessing a decreasing number of young family members that in the past was the hallmark of reunions – which was to introduce the newest addition to clan, to see, hear and touch the babies and toddlers and scold them for running around, breaking stuff, spilling food and even getting into petty fights over who got the better gift!

Nowadays, the excitement revolves around the cutest fur babies with their ubiquitous diapers and prams, or the latest gadget – iPad, phone and the latest game that they are playing. Even the older members are busy – trying to stay connected with a 24-hour working world that likewise allows some relatives to participate, through the new technology,  even for a brief few minutes in the family gathering even as they are separated  thousand miles away, going about their work as nurses or whatever profession.

It is therefore a sad reality that with the passing of the older generation, especially for the millennials, Gen Z and Gen Alpha, those who have had little interaction with the baby boomers – their generation leads perhaps a more digitally connected world, but less of a physical and emotionally connected world.

Of the three young children that were present in the reunion, it was sad to see them glued to their gadgets. Although they would break briefly to interact, they generally spend more of their time playing with their gadgets, hardly paying attention to the adults as we reminisced about the past.

It is sad to think that when they reach my age, they may probably have more memories about their gadgets and games they played than the relatives – aunts and uncles and lolo and lolas who were there on Christmas 2024.

Among us oldies who admitted that in the past we were considered the third generation because we were the youngest, the years have passed that we are now basically taking over as the first generation, with the reality that our current aunts and uncles may no longer be around in the next couple of years.

The gift of family is so precious and is no longer a given for most of us. Only a lucky few enjoy that gift. Cherish it now.