Accepting hassles as a skill

On his way to be sworn in as the most powerful man in the world, Franklin Delano Roosevelt had to be lifted out of his car and carried up the stairs. Frances Perkins, who campaigned with Roosevelt and later became Secretary of Labor, said the most remarkable thing about the president’s paralysis was how little its hindrance bothered him. He once told her: “If you can’t use your legs and they bring you milk when you want orange juice, you learn to say, ‘that’s all right,’ and drink it.”

There’s a valuable and overlooked skill: Accepting a certain degree of hassle and nonsense when reality demands it.

Author and investor Morgan Housel talks about his experience once on a flight with a CEO. This guy made it a point to let people know who he was. But he lost his mind after they had to change gates twice. Morgan wondered: How did he make it this far in life without the ability to deal with petty annoyances outside of his control? The most likely answer is denial over what he thinks he’s in control and demanding unrealistic precision from subordinates who compensate by hiding bad news.

One morning, while I was alone in the house, my daughter-boss Rachel, who spent weeks with her mom, sent me several messages. She says the nurses from Neuro ICU visited the Ilocana on both shifts. They are so sweet. Sir Mike, who runs the ICU center, has been gracious since the first day of admittance until the transfer to a private room. The PTs, nurses and doctors are all so gracious, kind and extremely patient.

Rachel’s messages continue

• The nurses were delightfully surprised to see that Mom had a voice and waved at them.

• Mom was able to say “thank you” to them in her voice. Mom says, “Because of you, I am getting better. Thank you.” “They are my friends.”

• The nurses wanted to take a photo with her, but she said, “Pangit ako” (I’m not my best-looking self). But when the NGT (feeding tube) is removed and she gets better and looks better, she would like a photo taken with them together.

Then I realized that all the positivity and fun in our family culture that we have cultivated over the years is paying off today, even in crucial and difficult situations like these.

The ability to accept hassles is not an enjoyable skill, and this is why we tend to overlook it. People without this struggle to get through the day, upset by the slightest hassle.

I remember years ago when I was awaiting my turn to speak at a medical conference, and a doctor was to make his presentation before me. I am not a physician, but I have built a reputation as being a favorite “non-scientific” lecturer in medical conferences. I am unsure whether this is a compliment, but I can overlook this tiny bit of a “hassle.”

This physician had a tech assistant, but the poor guy could not get his slide going. The doctor lost his cool and could not tolerate the hassle. He muttered some crude and coarse words, displayed obvious disdain toward the poor tech guy and dampened the mood of the entire audience in the hotel ballroom. He made my work difficult after his presentation, and I had to work extra hard to brighten up the room when it was my turn to speak.

I have met doctors like cardiologist Dr. Jose Nicholas Cruz, Dr. Vincent de Guzman and company, the antithesis of the doctor who lost his bearings in the story. They took the time to explain things, bore the boredom and hassles of dumb questions I would ask, and explained patiently in layman’s terms so I would understand. They displayed empathy. They have the skills.

One of the ways we can build this skill concerns interacting with people with whom we disagree. Housel says: Suppose you’re not blessed with perfect empathy. In that case, the trick to opening your mind is to find people whose views on one topic you respect – check the box in your head that says “this person isn’t totally crazy” – and debate them on the topics you disagree about. Without the first step, writing someone off before you’ve heard their entire argument is too easy.

Learn to say “No” diplomatically. There was a time when doctors would listen to a patient’s dissenting opinion and reply, “No. I am the doctor here, and I know more than you.” There was a time – and I guess it still happens today—when bosses, managers or leaders would say, “No. I am your boss, and you do what I say. If I need your opinion, I will give it to you!”

Sometimes, your “no” is unintentionally stern, making the other person never want to bring an idea or problem to your attention again. Again, both sides lose. A diplomatic “no” is when you’re clear about your feelings but empathetic to how the person on the receiving end might interpret those feelings. Yes, there are hassles in life, but people are not hassles; they deserve our respect and attention. Don’t forget that we are all, at one time or another, “hassles” to others as well.

(Francis Kong’s “Inspiring Excellence” podcast is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms.)