Being nice can be toxic

A very nice and honest doctor says grimly to a patient: “You are a very sick man. You’ve been simultaneously diagnosed with COVID, monkeypox, swine flu, Ebola and bubonic plague.”

“Is there anything that can be done to help me?” asks the patient.

“Amazingly, there is,” says the nice doctor. “First, we’ll put you in a private room where you’ll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we’ll put you on a diet of pancakes and flounder.”

“Okay...” says the patient, “But why pancakes?”

“Because,” the nice doctor says, “That’s the only food we can slide under your door!”

Sometimes, being nice can be toxic.

The world of work is full of young people who champion relentless positivity. Many young professionals on social media criticize toxic work environments and promote positivity but fail to understand the complexity of creating a positive work culture.

Just look at what they post on LinkedIn and TikTok persistently criticizing “toxic bosses” and “toxic company culture,” “toxic this and toxic that” such that after you spend a considerable amount of time reading their posts, you begin to let toxicity affect your sane thinking.

Many of these so-called “gurus” and “subject matter experts” want a “nice and positive work culture” and “nice and positive leaders” who are always inspiring and encouraging. This constant barrage of criticism against “toxic workplace” makes their readers and followers wonder why they have joined a company that is not nice and toxic. I have even seen video posts: “When and how to quit should you be working in a place with a toxic work culture.”

While I am not a proponent of building a toxic workplace culture, as my previous columns for many years have attested, I surely want to bring a more profound understanding to this Utopian concept of “niceness” in the workplace as espoused by these “thought leaders.”

Psychology professor Tessa West warned on CNBC that many companies have pushed their culture so far toward niceness that they’ve become toxic in a whole new way.

When considering toxic company cultures, the usual associations lean toward classic negative behaviors such as bullying, discrimination, disrespect and unethical actions. However, Dr. Adam Grant at Wharton says that being “nice” in terms of relationships in the workplace can be a contributory cause of company toxicity. When a company prioritizes relationships over factors like performance and honesty, it can inadvertently cultivate an environment of mediocrity and underlying resentment. In cultures of this nature, even subpar performance can propel an individual forward as long as they remain well-liked by their peers.

The workplace has seen a significant surge in the emphasis on well-being, kindness, empathy and care – qualities undeniably hold immense value. However, according to West, this well-intentioned shift has inadvertently led to a false dichotomy between niceness and the imperative for clear communication and constructive confrontation, even when the situation demands it.

There is a need for balance, the delicate equilibrium between fostering a positive workplace atmosphere and upholding the value of candid feedback. Only then can organizations truly thrive, fostering an environment where individuals continuously evolve, and organizations propel forward.

Leaders do not have to be nice all the time, but they do have to be kind at all times. Niceness often stems from the desire to please and maintain appearances, while kindness is rooted in concrete actions that benefit others.

“Niceness is saying ‘I’m so sorry you’re cold,’ while kindness may be ‘Ugh, you’ve said that five times, here’s a sweater!’ Kindness addresses the need, regardless of tone.” says athlete Jordan Green.

“While niceness maintains a facade that our lives are together and assumes that same status quo for others, kindness permits real success and failure.” – Project Happiness

West underscores the risk that arises when every idea and team member receives identical, pleasant, yet empty accolades. Such uniformity is a telltale sign that the pursuit of niceness has gone too far, gradually corroding both performance and honesty, and this is toxicity in itself. In West’s view, critical feedback is the cornerstone of improvement. Without it, personal growth stagnates, hindering progress within one’s role and limiting the ability to enhance people management skills.

Genuine kindness is paved with concrete actions to help others. Unlike niceness, which often remains superficial, kindness digs deeper. Being authentically kind means addressing situations with a sincere intention to alleviate difficulties, even if the delivery isn’t coated in sugar. The distinction between the two is critical, especially in leadership roles, where genuine feedback and constructive criticism are essential for growth. The pursuit of constant niceness has another name for it, and it is called “toxic positivity.”

(Francis Kong’s podcast “Inspiring Excellence” is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms.)