The power of the 43:57 Rule

Minda Zetlin, author of “Career Self-Care: Find Your Happiness, Success, and Fulfillment at Work,” writes a fascinating article for Inc. Magazine that offers what she calls the 43:57 Rule that can help encourage better conversations.

It took me a while to track her down to secure permission to feature her article but having had it finally, here is what Minda has to say.

When you have a conversation, how much time do you like to spend speaking, and how much time listening? According to Jonny Thomson, a former philosophy teacher and author of the bestseller Mini Philosophy, most people have a marked preference for speaking over listening.

In an article at Big Think, Thomson explains why it’s essential to cut back on the time we spend speaking and increase the time we spend listening.

Our preference for speaking over listening is so strong that most people spend time waiting for their turn to talk and planning what they will say while the other person is speaking – rather than listening.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt used to prove this point by telling people, “I murdered my grandmother this morning,” when first meeting them. The vast majority never noticed.

If you’re smart, you can use this dynamic to your advantage. Most people – especially in business – need to improve at having an even-handed conversation. If you try to get good at it, you will stand out in every interaction.

Zetlin recommends we use the 43:57 Rule, and she cites the reason why.

Many of us prefer to do most of the talking in conversations – talking feels good. Research shows that talking activates pleasure centers in our brains, much like a delicious food or stimulating drugs.

Think about that for a moment, and you’ll realize what a powerful gift it can be to give someone else that feeling by making space for them to do most of the talking and inviting them to share their insights and experiences.

It is called the 43:57 Rule because researchers analyzed more than 25,000 sales calls years ago, measuring the sales rep’s ratio of talking vs. listening. They wanted to find the perfect proportion of talking and listening, and they found it.

Salespeople made the most sales when they spoke 43 percent of the time, and the customer spoke 57 percent of the time. Salespeople who spoke 60 percent of the time or more made the lowest sales. That suggests that listening to a potential customer or investor talk about what’s important to them might be a more effective way to get what you want than focusing the conversation on your product’s excellent features.

Here are ways how to apply the 43:57 Rule:

1. Practice active listening

As Roosevelt’s experiment proved, most people need to improve at listening to what another person is saying. The Roosevelt Experiment on Active Listening is an urban legend where President Roosevelt supposedly experimented with a White House reception in the US to test if people were genuinely listening to what he was saying. As he greeted guests, he allegedly mentioned to each person, “My mother died this morning.” The story goes that despite sharing this heartbreaking news, many guests responded with broad smiles and cheers, apparently not fully registering or comprehending the statement.

So stand out from the crowd by tuning in to whatever they tell you. This also means leaving your smartphone in your pocket and not stealing glances at your watch as you worry about your next appointment. The more you can subtly demonstrate through your responses and questions that you’ve heard what the other person was saying, the more you will engage them and the more effective your conversation can be.

2. Ask questions

Asking questions is a great way to draw someone out, have them do more talking, and learn about them and their priorities and desires. So while the other person is speaking, and you’re tuning in to what they say, instead of planning your next comment, start thinking about what question or questions to ask them that will encourage them to tell you more. People will appreciate and remember your interest.

Allow me to add a few more ideas:

3. Look at the person in the eye and smile while listening

Your face value counts. Trust me. A smile disarms the person; the more comfortable they are with you, the more they will speak, but you need to be actively listening.

4. Be genuinely interested in the person

Master your product presentation long before you make your pitch. Your deck is less important than the person you are speaking with (notice the word “with” and not “to”).

Remember the 43:57 Rule because it may radically improve how you do business. Try this at home too. I may bring out the best conversation experiences you will have with your loved ones.

(Francis Kong’s podcast “Inspiring Excellence” is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms).