Why are you judging me?

Have you ever corrected someone with the honest intention of wanting the person to improve? In business, we call this “providing feedback” or “giving constructive criticism.” (Although, many are not equipped to do this properly and this could be a topic in one of our future columns.) In friendships and relationships, we call this giving advice or providing counsel.

You may have spent a great deal of time crafting your approach, choosing the right words, guarding your intonation, and after you have done your best the person responds by… “Why are you so judgmental?” Or…the more famous phrase, “why are you judging me?” In the work place, this may not be as overtly said or shown because of the hierarchical structure. But in the private space, and most certainly in the public square of mass digital word exchanges, you tend to get this a lot.

I post stuff daily and most people find them helpful. Others disagree. Some argue intelligently, while others cuss, curse, and call me names. These things happen. But the ones that are mysterious to me is when someone who does not even know me would hurl an accusation and say, “Why are you so judgmental?” This would make me think. If the person does not know me and has never even met me accuses me of being “judgmental,” has he or she not committed the sin itself by doing so? As perplexing as this can be, the most frustrating experience comes when the person begins quoting Bible verses to support the charge. “In Matthew Chapter 7: verses 1 and 2, Jesus says: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged, for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” When these verses are quoted, all attempts at correction is expected to stop for fear of eternal damnation.

I did a little research. The person who quotes the verses either wittingly or unwittingly leaves out the rest of the verses that form the proper context in which this was said. Verses 3 to 5 says: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye…” (NIV).

Unsatisfied, I asked my mentor and friend Krish Dhanam. Krish is an international speaker, author, and a person blessed with tremendous wit and intelligence. Krish says: “Francis, when people complain that they are being judged and that you are being judgmental, they fail to understand that only the guilty feels the judgment, while the innocent do not mind.” Then, it all made sense.

How then can the accusation of being judgmental square with Jesus’ command to judge when He says: “John 7:20 - Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead JUDGE correctly.”

So here now is the question you and I need to honestly evaluate: “Am I being judged or am I being corrected? And now that I am upset, am I being defensive or am I being overly sensitive?”

This brings me back to leadership issues.

A leader should refrain from becoming overly defensive when his or her opinion is being challenged. And if the leader is leading capable, bright, intelligent thinking team members, then, when they disagree with the leader and may have blurted out comments and opinions that are not nice to hear, as many of them have never taken a course on leadership communications in the first place, the leader should not conclude that he or she is being judged, but are being offered corrections.

When the leader gets defensive and powers up, then the leader is giving the impression that the people’s opinions do not matter. It also shows that the leader is insecure and cannot withstand pressure and that no amount of suggestions would alter the leader’s position or decision. That is not a good thing.

Do not power up every time somebody challenges your stand or opinion. This is one instance when leaders need to drop their guard and instead consider other voices and thoughts. Remember that it is not you, but only your ideas that are being judged and challenged. Creativity flows and credibility is built when leaders are willing to be vulnerable.

Leaders do not have to be right all the time. Being right all the time is impractical and a burden too heavy to carry. Be willing to be challenged and corrected, and handle this with humility and grace. For these are marks of effective leadership and what you give is what you will get from your teammates as well.

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