Everybody needs a friend

Politics divides people.

Political issues are argued with great passion and emotions. Sometimes, friends become enemies because of politics. But then again, veteran players in this field know that there are no permanent friends and enemies in politics, only “frenemies”. Alan Clark said, “There are no true friends in politics. We are all sharks circling, and waiting, for traces of blood to appear in the water.”

But even politicians need true friends.

In 1961, near the end of his life, baseball legend Ty Cobb confessed, “If I had the chance to live my life over, I’d do things a little different… I’d have more friends.” He had plenty of acquaintances, “hangers-on”, but very few friends. Being wealthy, famous and powerful has a cost: you don’t really know who your true friends are.

I speak, I train almost every working day. I literally meet hundreds, and sometimes thousands, of people every week. But if you were to ask me how many true friends I have, I can barely count on my fingers.

There were those I thought were my friends, but they never really wished me success. When I was on my way up, they would pull me down. They did this with subtlety, and it took me a long time to realize what they were doing. There were those I disliked, but they turned out to be the people who were genuinely concerned with my welfare. Those people are few, but they’re worth silver and gold.

Why is true friendship hard to cultivate? Leonard Sweet, in his book 11, said that there are reasons why true friendship is hard to cultivate:

1. “What’s in It for Me?” Egosystem Syndrome (can also be a “sin-drome”)

This is egoland. It’s not a theme park; according to Sweet, it’s our homeland, our ecosystem or “egosystem”. For example, today’s “friends” are all about “networking”, and if “friends” can’t advance our career and connect us to sources of power and prestige – if “friends” can’t make the net “work” – it’s time for a new set of friends who can “work” to one’s advantage. The prevailing thought of people is “What’s in it for me?”, not “What’s in it for you?”

2. “No Down Elevator” Syndrome

Leonard Sweet wrote that some of us are better at friendship than others. Males are notoriously culturally disadvantaged in the “friends” department. Newspaper columnist Laura Marcus claimed that the typical male idea of a best friend is “someone they haven’t seen for 10 years.”

Clinical psychologist Dan Montgomery uses the image of “taking the elevator down” to explore what it means to reach deeper levels of truth and trust in a relationship.

a. The intimacy elevator starts with the façade level or level of public appearances.

b. The next floor down is acquaintance level, where we present just some of our views and opinions.

c. The third floor down is the friendship level, where we willingly experience emotional vulnerability. We share all sorts of feelings but hold back on deeper ones. If all goes well and the other person responds similarly, we may take the elevator down another floor.

d. The fourth floor down is the intimacy level. We come clean with our dark side – the memories, weaknesses, wounds and reflections that made us who we are, but are sensitive topics to disclose just to anyone.

3. “What, Me Sacrifice?” Syndrome

A true friend is so rare to find and be because such a person should be willing to pay the price of being a true friend. Perhaps the highest cost of true friendship is our most precious commodity: time. True friendship requires the willingness to sacrifice convenience and even treasure. According to Sweet, some recent research suggests that women will sacrifice achievement for the sake of a relationship, but men will more likely sacrifice a relationship for the sake of an achievement.

Jealousy, rivalry, greed, distance, indifference, indebtedness… are poisons. If you know of people who die a little every time you succeed, then you can be sure that they aren’t your friends.

Friendship is one of the most important support systems for life. In order to find a true friend, you and I need to be one first.

You cannot live in isolation. Spend some time with your true friends. You need it, believe me.

(Leadership skills are very much life skills. Spend two whole days with Francis Kong discovering the beauty of both on September 12-13 at the EDSA Shangri-La Hotel. For further inquiries, contact Inspire at 09158055910, or call 632-6310912 for details.)