A letter to change a life

Tom Peters, in his latest book entitled, The Little Big Things, tells us a story about retired United States Navy Captain Mike Abrashoff and the importance of saying “thank you.”

Captain Abrashoff once sent letters to the parents of his crew members on the guided-missile destroyer USS Benfold. Putting himself in those parent’ shoes, he imagined how happy they would be to hear from the commanding officer that their sons and daughters were doing well. He figured that those parents would, in turn, call their children to tell them how proud they were of them.

“Abrashoff debated whether to send a letter to the parents of one young man who wasn’t really star material. Weighing the sailor’s progress, he decided to go ahead. A couple of weeks later, the sailor appeared at his door, tears streaming down his face. It seems the kid’s father had always considered him a failure and told him so. After reading the captain’s letter, he called to congratulate his son and tell him how proud he was of him. ‘Captain, I can’t thank you enough,’ said the young man. For the first time in his life, he felt loved and encouraged by his father.”

As Abrashoff says, “Leadership is the art of practicing simple things – common sense gestures that ensure high morale and vastly increase the odds of winning.” In other words, small changes can have big consequences.

One letter changed a life.

School time is over. Report cards will be given. And there will be parents who would say:

“You did well my son and I am proud of you.”

Another one might say:

“I know you did your best and I am sure you will do better and I will always be there to help you.”

Where will this take the kid? To a better place, I am sure of this.

But then some parents would say:

“You’ve always been lazy. You did not do your best, and I am not happy with your grades.”

Another one would say:

“You’re not like your sister who did well, and I am so certain that you will never be good at anything in life.”

Maybe the worst of them all would say:

“I would be surprised if you do well. You’re just like your dad. There’s just nothing good about you.”

Let’s go to the work scene. To have skillful, competent and secure leaders who know how to lavish praise and compliments on their people is a rarity. Most of these “leaders” may have the position, but they do not have the skills and the substance to inspire their people to become better. They feed on their own ego and pride, and use intimidation, coercion, insults and ridicule thinking that in doing so their people will perform better. Guess how wrong they are. From child rearing to office management, the frequency of negative reinforcement typically outpaces the positive ones. There is a need to understand the power of positive reinforcement.

A simple positive comment like, “You did so well.” or “Thank you, I appreciate that.” or a small plaque, or a FREE LUNCH offered, can all do wonders. Positive reinforcements transform your people into better performers and better persons. Notwithstanding the fact that doing so makes you a better leader or a better parent as well. Be lavish with honest praise, and inspire the people in your life to become better people.  

Mark Twain says, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

Haim Ginott says, “If you want employees to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.”

But one of my favorite quotes comes from humorist Robert H. Henry, who says, “A man doesn’t live by bread alone. He needs buttering up once in a while.”

And while you’re at it, don’t forget to show your appreciation and say a good thing to your spouse as well - and may I add another one? Your mother-in-law? 

(Get advice about business and life from inspirational guru, Francis Kong. Text FRANCISKONG to 4631 (for Smart) or txt GO FRANCIS to 2910 (for Globe) to subscribe. Just P2.50 per day!)