Tantrum words

Call me old fashioned, but today, I want to talk to business people on the topic of marriage. The Ilocana and I have spent more than half of our lives together. We had looked at each other’s eyes in candlelit bistros while we were yet both single and skinny, had started life as a couple and had dreamt together. We’ve been through the thick and the thin of life, and I don’t mean just waistlines. But God has been gracious. He has blessed us with three children we’re proud of, a decent roof over our heads and humble businesses that are growing and debt-free. We’ve had disagreements, but we know what to do with those. When one is flaring up the other one just keeps quiet. Let the “tropical depression” pass first, then discuss the matter after. The kids see us do this, that’s why they know how to handle disagreements agreeably.

Maintaining a good marriage is not a walk in the park. This reminds me of a conversation which took place between a husband and his wife:

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Wife: “Nothing? You are so sweet. You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

It is not true that most marriages fail. The truth is that most people in the marriage allow it to fail. And why? Because of WORDS! Simple yet so sinister. Seemingly harmless yet so hurtful. While words carry the power to heal, they also carry the power to harm. What’s more, hurtful words seem to outnumber healing words everywhere we go. Words operate covertly, and sometimes, may even go unnoticed.

“I’m sorry but I don’t love you anymore…….” Oh, that really hurts and penetrates deep into the recesses of the soul. And the deterioration accelerates at this point.

Some people add a lot more chili into the enchilada by saying:

“I don’t love you anymore, and I am not sure I ever did.”

“I’m leaving you. I need more space.”

Sounds like words coming straight out of a soap opera series, but such scenes do happen.

Now what do you do?

Get a lawyer? Go to a counselor? Pack up your things, and go to your mother?

Consider this scene in your mind.

A mother is in a mall with her kid. The kid wants something but the mother wouldn’t buy it. So the kid launches into a tantrum. He shouts, he screams, and if he happens to be of the very undisciplined kind, he even tries to hit his mother. Does the mother hit him back? Does the mother put him up for adoption? Does the mother sue her son? No. So what does she do? She ducks. She does nothing to return the tantrum and the behavior. She understands that the tantrum is not about her, so she doesn’t take it personally.

Many men out there would not admit it, but they are actually in some kind of tantrum experiences. They look at the mirror and are shocked to see the lines and wrinkles on their face. While grays threaten to dominate, some of their hair disappears. With their energy level dipping and their career crawling along on a plateau, younger, tech-savvy, arrogant kids threaten to take over their job. Their personal trajectory is no longer in an upward curve; it’s more like a flat line on a heart monitor. This gets to even the best of them.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

“I want more space.”

Sometimes these are not serious words. Sometimes, these are merely tantrum words.

So how should you respond?

Cry? Weep? Go into a tantrum yourself and recite a litany of the sacrifices you’ve made through the years? But these would have been predictable.

Maybe what you need to do is to make sure you are calm, controlled and composed, and say: “I don’t believe you.”

This is wise and deep. Whether he means it or not, fact is, you may not be able to change his mind. What you can do is control your response.

“You’re no longer the same woman I used to know.”

Wow! That packs a mean punch.

But you need to decide, “Is the relationship big enough and important enough to fight for?”

Maybe this next line would carry the weight of a potential counter punch:

“I don’t know how and what you feel at the moment, but it will not be powerful enough to stop me from continuing to love you and support you.”

And then you give him space. Give him time to figure things out.

There are many men out there who are having mid-life tantrums. Such advice may not work all the time, but you are still responsible for living your life well and doing your best to care for your family.

But the one thing I know which works best is this: Prayer. Pray that God would use the opportunity to bring the two of you to a personal relationship with Christ in a more intimate way. Do not let tantrum words destroy what God has put together.

Erma Bombeck says: “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” Don’t just assume your marriage will work. Work on your marriage every day. You don’t just grow your business; you grow your marriage relationship as well.

(Click on to www.franciskong.com and send me your feedback. You can also listen to my radio program “Business Matters” aired 8:00a.m. and 6:30 p.m. during weekdays, over 98.7 dzFE-FM ‘The Master’s Touch’, the classical music station.)