Court battle royale

This story definitely joins the ranks of our "Only in da Pilipins" file. Our seductive shuttlecock Mata Hari reported that the business editor of another newspaper figured in a court battle royale with his wife at the Power Smash badminton courts. Apparently, Mr. Biz Ed plays in Power Smash three mornings a week with his staff. One of his staffers, cooed our shuttlecock Mata Hari, is allegedly his mistress. She is a tall and seductive 22-year-old, who is a Maxine Magalona lookalike. During a JVC tournament last Monday, Mr. Biz Ed’s wife suddenly appeared in the courts to confront the mistress. The mistress ran to the locker room and the wife ran in pursuit. After hearing "I told you to stay away from my husband!" about a hundred times, the mistress replied that it was Mr. Biz Ed who kept on asking her out. Mr. Biz Ed literally dragged his wife to the parking lot where she then screamed and slapped him. Still in the mood for a battle royale, the wife charged the mistress again in the locker room. The husband pulled her out again to suffer the same outrageous fortune in the parking lot. As it turned out, the wife regularly plays in Power Smash in the evenings. It was only a matter of time before she heard of her husband’s stray strokes and thrusts. The point here is never to miss a lob when you’re playing on two courts. Otherwise, you’ll have a smashing scene that warrants a line or two in the papers. The courts in Pasig are really more appropriate for his game.

Lucky Spike

Spike Li, the Eliminatus, who had his henchmen puncture the tires of over 160 vehicles last month is really a lucky spike. In fact, he is free to roam around because he is out on bail. Or is it because he is protected by unseen powers? The Man from Kiangan reported that Spike Li was working under the orders of a control officer known in the espionage world as Cabital. With our apologies to bestselling author Dan Brown, Cabital is an anagram of the control officer’s code name. Ensconced in a government sinecure, Cabital has deep ties with the extreme Left and the Ultra Right. Spike was ordered to execute his bizarre undertaking during the presidential canvassing in order to take people’s minds off a more dangerous political struggle under the surface of things. The Spike Li distraction supposedly gave Cabital a chance to distribute money to retired generals who were making themselves available for EDSA 4. The real reason why another People Power attempt was forestalled is that these generals spent their money on grand vacations in the US. The Man from Kiangan reported that Spike has been an intelligence asset of the Embassy-by-the-Sea for some time. Filipinos are quite lucky stiffs to have unseen hands ensure the peaceful proclamation and inauguration of their president.

This Bishop Is A Cross To Bear

People have been writing to say that they have nothing against Bishop Oscar Cruz and his crusade against PAGCOR, but they think he’s already obsessed to the point that he no longer cares who gets hurt or humiliated in the process. A case in point is the "GRO" issue. Based on second-hand information, the bishop said the women who served as usherettes during First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s birthday party in Malacanang were forced to act as GROs. The women, all of them professionals, naturally denied this and decried this description of them. Just because a woman dresses exceptionally well, wears makeup and is charming doesn’t automatically make her a slut, peeved readers also pointed out. And because it happened during the birthday of First Gentleman Mike, does that make him a pimp then? If the good bishop wants to live true to his calling as a man of the cloth, he has no business judging women according to their clothes. Instead, he should "bear this cross" and like a true servant of Christ, display humility by apologizing to the girls, if he has their best interests at heart as he claims. This Bishop is really a cross for PAGCOR employees to bear. He even sends his diabolical minions to email to columnists apologetics about his accusations. Perhaps some members of the Opus Dei can teach the gaming agency’s female employees to just love their cross.

Spy Tidbiz: Don’t Shoot The Messenger

Everybody knows that Victor "Cachups" is just a messenger who peddles lies fed to him by his regular customers – the cheap wannabes and influence peddlers – who pay him a few crumbs. Obviously, most of what he peddles are totally wrong if not outright lies because he just doesn’t bother to check the facts being a true Jukebox Queen. As the saying goes, one shouldn’t shoot the messenger just laugh at him. In Manila’s social circles he is known as the big jokebox!

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