How to keep your child from being bullied

I still have memories of seeing my then kindergarten son coming down from the school bus with his white polo shirt turned muddy brown.

My son, who was a small child, was in his first week in school and was still in the process of making new friends. One day, a tall upper class student made fun of him and pushed him into a pool of mud on the school grounds after dismissal. 

Upon learning about what happened to my son, my first impulse was to rush to the school and report the bullying. Unfortunately, my son did not know the name of the bully. So, I told him that when someone bullies him again, he has to report the matter to his homeroom teacher.  I also stressed to him that he should always be with a school buddy or with a group because bullies tend to target victims who are alone.

To help him protect himself against bullies, I enrolled him in a martial arts class. During these classes, it was constantly being emphasized to the students that the main purpose of the skills they are learning is to protect themselves and that the students should not be aggressors.

With this, my son’s self-confidence was heightened knowing he could protect himself from being harmed. The aggression towards my son was no longer repeated. He became a class leader and even a class peer teacher.

I have interviewed some bullying victims who decided to physically fight back the bully. But in the end, these victims were the ones who got into trouble with school authorities, leaving the bully unpunished. Fighting back physically should not be the primary option.

Bullying is a willful, deliberate act to harm others through verbal harassment like shaming or name-calling, physical harm by hitting with a fist, kicking, pushing or even biting, or through social isolation or exclusion by deliberately rejecting a child from the peer group. Some literature shows bullying happens as early as in preschool. Bullying is also categorized into four types: verbal, physical, cyber and relational.

A study conducted by Margaret Sanapo aimed to find out the prevalence rate of different forms of school bullying among 340 sixth graders in selected schools in Western Visayas; the feelings of victims and bullies after the act; proportion of males and females who are victims and perpetrators; and the responses of the teachers who witnessed the bullying.

Results showed that 40.6 percent or 138 students were victims of school bullying and 23.9 percent or 81 students were the bullying perpetrators. Of the 138 victims, 84 (60.9 percent) were male and 54 (39.1 percent) were female.  Verbal bullying topped the list at 60.5 percent.

Also shown in the study were some of the reasons why bullies bully other kids. The top reason is for retaliation or getting even (44 percent), for fun (33 percent), and for the physical attribute of the victim like having body odor or being ugly.

According to the study, most bullies felt guilty (29 percent) and scared (27 percent) after bullying. The most common reaction was feeling sorry for the victim but there are also bullies who felt good after hurting others (13 percent).

The victims’ reactions after they were bullied were  anger, sadness (crying), embarrassment with anger (30 percent) and some didn’t feel anything (eight percent).

Also in the study are the teachers’ reactions upon witnessing the bullying. A huge percentage of them  stopped the act immediately (78 percent), a short-term strategy. Unfortunately, no long-term strategy was implemented. The Anti-Bullying Act of 2013 requires schools for the establishment of long-term anti-bullying intervention strategies for the bullies, victims and their parents. 

A bullied child may develop traumatic consequences as seen in the child’s poor school performance, low self-esteem, nervousness, anxiety and sadness or depression. The Archives of General Psychiatry had previously published a research by Dr. David Fassler of the University of Vermont showing that “kids who were bullied at age eight were the most prone to psychological problems as teens and early adults.” Another study done at the University of Washington School of Medicine showed that “elementary  school kids who are victims of bullying are 80 percent more likely to feel ‘sad’ most days.”

Part of parenting is to help children become resilient and learn the skills to avoid being bullied. Parents should look out for signs if something is bothering their child. One way of doing this is to develop the habit of encouraging the child to relay problems in schools with other kids. Once the parent discovers the bullying of his child, appropriate actions should include the following:

1. Talk to the child’s teacher regarding the bullying or harassment.

2. Inform the school administration as soon as possible of the problem and inquire about its protocol regarding bullying.

3. Make an incident report specifying the details of the event.

4. Contact the offender’s parents if there are persistent acts of bullying. You may opt to call, write or e-mail the parents in a non-confrontational manner and emphasize that your ultimate goal is to resolve the problem together with them.

5. Coach your child to ask or call for help.

Remember that the bullied, the bully and their parents will require counseling and this is why schools should establish their own comprehensive program in dealing with this worsening school problem of bullying. The general hospitals in your area have experts in child and adolescent psychiatry.  

(For questions on love, looks and relationships, e-mail the author at nina.halilijao@gmail.com. You may also e-mail me if you need a list of qualified child and adolescent psychiatrists of the Philippine Society for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.)

 (Happy holidays and a prosperous New Year to all!)

Some things to keep in mind:

1. Physically fighting back is not the right solution.

2. Tell your child to walk away and ask help from the teacher or the nearest adult school personnel.

3. To avoid being harassed in the school bus, remind your child to sit beside his or her friends.

4. Promote positive body language to your child so he or she will appear confident, thus, being a less-inviting target. According to Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, “Tell your child to practice looking at the color of his or her friends’ eyes and to do the same thing when he or she is talking to a child who is bothering him or her.” This practice will make your child appear more confident.

5. Teach your child to speak in a loud, firm voice and tell the bully kid to “stop bothering me” and then walk away.

6. Always praise the progress of your child in becoming more confident.