Surviving the holidays without a loved one
Illustration by JAYMEE L. AMORES
Have you ever pondered how the families of the 14 people who died in the Davao City night market bombing last Sept. 2 or the 71 victims of the plane crash in Colombia last Nov. 28 will be able to go through the Christmas season minus their loved ones? I recently had a talk with a man who lost his wife to a heart attack a year ago. He wanted his children assessed to find out if they have adequately gone through their period of mourning. What are the things that they can do together to feel the spirit of Christmas?
The recent sudden demise of a significant person in one’s life can be devastating and depressing. A depressed person’s tendency is to isolate himself and avoid socializing with other people making his life all the more miserable. Yes, there is a need to mourn and grieve for the loss of a dear spouse, relative or friend. Yet it is imperative to realize one’s worth.
There is a reason for your being alive. Focus on the meaning of life. Feel the air, the breath of life, moving in and out of your nose as you inhale and exhale. Cherish this life. Your deceased love one will surely not want you to remain miserable. Life must go on for you. Learn to realize that there are other people who love you and likewise there are other people who depend on you. Love yourself and refrain from doing anything that you will regret later. Take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well and learn to relax.
Perhaps you can schedule with your family an activity that your loved one used to do and find gratification in doing, like for example, bringing gifts to the orphaned children or the abandoned aged in an institution near you.
Bring flowers to the tomb of your loved one, before you embark on a road trip to a resort where you and your children can bond during the Christmas break. Perform a ritual to help you lessen the pain of living without your loved one. Write a message you want to tell your loved one and tie it to a white balloon that you will let go and allow to fly in the sky. Offer prayers for your loved one and for yourself and the remaining members of the family to cope with this loss.
Talking to someone who will listen to you and who can empathize with your grief is very helpful. This will make you realize that there are people who understand and care for your emotional wellness.
If you’re not fond of parties, feel the spirit of Christmas with your family by wrapping gifts together or decorating the Christmas tree together. Then you can distribute the gifts all together. All of you can also go around the city to see the beautiful light displays.
If you lost a loved one through a recent break-up, perhaps this had to happen because you deserve someone better, someone who will love you and accept you as you are. Try to expand your circle of friends and force yourself to mingle again with people in the workplace, in the community and with relatives. Maybe, it is time to start forming new friends and later on, finding a possible girlfriend or boyfriend. Feeling miserable should not be forever.
People grieve for the loss of their loved ones in different ways. I remember when my dad died several decades ago, I kept in my portfolio photos of his burial so I could look at them once in a while in my free time at work. My younger sister went every Sunday to Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina for several months to bring flowers and light candles as her way of coping with the loss of our father. My mom was quiet but continued to pray for the repose of his soul. We frequently talked about our happy memories with our dear Papa Mike. Soon enough, we were all again able to show our love and appreciation for each other, caring and helping each other in our own small ways. All of us look forward to Christmas with happiness in our hearts.
You can help your children cope with their loss of a parent by making them draw and write messages for their deceased parent at the same time making them join in planning on how to spend their Christmas vacation with you. Will it be a traditional Christmas or something new, adventurous and exciting? Make them feel that they will remain loved by their deceased parent and that you are still here to continue showering them with love and care.
If you still haven’t coped with the loss of your loved one beyond the usual grieving period of six months and you have become practically functionally impaired during the past six months after the demise of your loved one, perhaps it is time for you to seek professional help. A psychiatrist or a psychologist can assist you in moving on and going back to your previous level of functioning.
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Happy holidays, everyone!
(For questions on love, looks and relationships, please e-mail this author at nina.halilijao@gmail.com.)
