Is he Mr. Right?

Even if most people marry for love, it is not possible to predict which marriages will be successful. That is why it is better to have a long courtship to allow a couple to get to know each other’s personality. Most failed marriages are due to the personality flaws of one or both parties.

In choosing a spouse, one should carefully screen persons with personality problems or pervasive, persistent abnormal patterns of behavior. Beware of these:

• A tendency to attribute malevolent motives to others, pervasive distrust and suspiciousness or recurrent suspicions without justification.

• An isolated lifestyle without overt longing for others; a pervasive detachment from social relationships and restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings. Such a person almost always chooses solitary activities, is emotionally cold, takes pleasure in few activities, lacks close friends and has little interest in sexual experiences with another person.

• Multiple oddities/eccentricities of behavior, thought, affect, speech and appearance, with odd beliefs or magical thinking, or unusual perceptual experiences.

• Abnormal behavior that does not recognize the rights of others, a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, failure to conform to social norms or with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness like repeated lying, use of aliases or conning for personal profit or pleasure, impulsivity, failure to plan ahead, irritability and aggressiveness, reckless disregard of safety of others or self, consistent irresponsibility, failure to sustain work or honor financial obligations and lack of remorse.

• Instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, marked impulsivity, recurrent suicidal gestures or threats, chronic feelings of emptiness, difficulty controlling anger.

• Dramatic, emotional, impressionistic style, excessive emotionality and attention-seeking.

• Pervasive pattern of grandiosity and over-concern with issues of self-esteem, grandiose sense of self-importance with fantasies of unlimited success. He believes that he is unique and thus should associate with spe high-ranking people. This person requires excessive admiration, has a sense of entitlement, lacks empathy, is exploitative, often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.

• Perfectionist and inflexible, preoccupied with orderliness, details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedules, excessively devoted to work to the exclusion of leisure. He is unscrupulous, unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects, reluctant to delegate tasks, is miserly, rigid and stubborn.

• Shy or timid personality with a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked, avoids activities that involve interpersonal contact, views self as inferior, reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in new activities which may prove to be embarrassing.

• Dependent and submissive, has difficulty in making everyday decisions without reassurance from others, needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or life, has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his own, goes to excessive lengths to obtain support from others to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant.

• Covert obstructionism, stubbornness and inefficiency, pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands of adequate performance, sullen and argumentative, unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority, exaggerated complaints of personal misfortune, alternates between hostile defiance and contrition.

•Pessimistic, anhedonic, duty-bound, self-doubting, and chronically unhappy, prone to feeling guilty or remorseful, brooding, critical, blaming and derogatory toward self.

• Cruel, demeaning or sadistic behavior.

• Self-defeating behavior, directs life toward bad outcomes, rejects help and good outcomes, has dysphoric responses to good outcomes.

(In case you have problems about love, looks and relationships, send your letters to The Philippine STAR c/o Allure Section or to Suite 506 Medico Bldg., Lourdes Street cor. San Miguel Avenue, Pasig; fax no. 631-38-77; tel. no. 633-38-93.)