How to cope when your loved one suddenly dies
November 24, 2002 | 12:00am
Last Nov. 11, many of us were awakened by the early morning news of the tragic plunge into the Manila Bay of a Laoag International Airlines (LIA) Fokker plane bound for Laoag City and Basco, Batanes. Onboard were 32 passengers and five crew members. A total of 19 persons died.
Hours later, TV viewers saw the various reactions of the relatives of the passengers and crew members of the ill-fated flight. The sudden loss–and the grief it aroused–of their loved ones died was devastating. The husband of flight stewardess Gemma Dasalla, one of those who died, appeared in shock and disbelief. He was at a loss as to how to disclose to their two children that their mother would no longer be with them.
Grief is a normal reaction to the demise of a loved one. It is usually manifested as a state of shock. This can be expressed as a feeling of numbness or as a sense of bewilderment. At the start, there can be an apparent inability to comprehend what has happened. This is short-lived and is immediately followed by expressions of suffering and distress. The grief-stricken will now start to cry and sigh. Other symptoms then set in like feelings of weakness, decreased appetite, weight loss, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night or waking up so early. Dreaming about the deceased loved one also occurs, as does self-reproach centering in some minor act of omission or commission toward the deceased.
People have said they feel so bad for having caused emotional heartaches to their deceased loved one by their having been rebellious at times, by not doing their expected chores on time, or for having answered back in the past. Some feel bad for failing to verbalize or to show their appreciation to their deceased parent.
A phenomenon called the survivor guilt can develop in persons who are relieved that someone other than themselves has died. This possibility must be addressed to with the Flight L7-585 survivors. If survivor guilt persists, the survivors will have difficulty in establishing new intimate relationships from fear of betraying the deceased person.
Forms of denial are also seen during the grief process. In attempts to deny the lost of the loved one, efforts to perpetuate their lost relationship are seen in their investment in objects that were previously treasured by their dead loved one. These are called linkage objects.
A sense of the deceased person’s presence (nagpaparamdam) may sometimes be so strong that it may be referred to as an illusion or a hallucination (for example, hearing the deceased person’s voice or smelling the scent of the deceased person’s favorite perfume). Of course, in normal grief, the relative of the deceased person will realize that this perception is not real.
Sometimes, the relative of the deceased or the survivor may take on the qualities, mannerisms, or characteristics of the deceased person in his attempt to perpetuate the person in a somewhat concrete manner. This is what is called the identification phenomenon. This sometimes may reach pathological proportions so much so that the grieving individual starts to develop physical symptoms similar to those experienced by the person who died.
The length and intensity of the grief period, particularly the acute phase will usually tend to subside over time (six months to one year). If the death occurred suddenly without any warning, like those killed in vehicular accidents, plane crashes, fatal heart or brain attacks in a previously perceived healthy individual), the period of shock and disbelief may last longer. If the demise of a loved one, on the other hand, is anticipated, like those suffering from a lingering illness, a lot of the mourning has already taken place by the time the loved one succumbs to his chronic disease.
Normal grief will eventually resolve through time. The symptoms of the acute phase will gradually lessen and usually within one to two months, the bereaved party will be able to eat, sleep and return to his usual level of cognitive and occupational functioning. A normal grief reaction will not require therapy. Only those reaching pathological proportions will require professional help. In grief therapy, the goal is to encourage the patient to take on new responsibilities and to develop a sense of autonomy. In dealing with bereaved children, it is important to recognize the need of these children to find a person to substitute for the lost parent. Sometimes, children may transfer their need for a substitute parent to several adults. If there is no consistent available substitute parent, this may affect their future relationships. They may no longer search for or expect any intimacy in their relationships.
Dear readers, you can help each other cope with the loss of a loved one by listening to each other, by expressing and ventilating your thoughts and feelings, by encouraging each other to try and pick up the pieces of their lives shattered by the loss of their loved one and by constantly reminding each other that you’re alive, that God has His reasons for keeping you alive and that your individual lives must go on.
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