To cheat or not to cheat… that is the question!

I have no bloody idea why loads of chicks came out of the cinemas shaking in their boots after watching Unfaithful.

How could anyone have possibly appreciated such a cinematic mistake? Guys scoffed, almost insinuating that chicks-were-never-meant-to-go-astray-in-the-first-place. Gals freaked out.

Granted, it’s a woman’s right to do what she wants. But apart from the feminist anthem of equal rights (including the right to cheat) in me going off, my mind drew a complete blank.

Is this the reality–that women have finally been stripped of all moral fiber when it comes to intimacy and exclusivity? Is there no more respect for the sanctity of marriage or even mere partnership?

Apparently not.

And then it became crystal clear. I shuddered at the thought just like other women did. Then out of nowhere, there was this sudden rush of naughty, animalistic energy within me! I envisioned myself wrapped by the strong legs of that beautiful Frenchman in the movie as I stared blankly into my dinner, oblivious of the fact that my partner was seated right beside me, not having a clue as to what I was actually thinking or feeling.

To cheat or not to cheat… that is the question!

If men want to play that way, where is it written that women can’t join in the fun? Fight fire with fire! After all, fair is fair.

But what’s the real deal with unfaithfulness? Here’s a rundown of proverbial bumps on the relationship road that may cause either a slight or severe detour into the realm of cheating.

Impure thoughts, chicken wings

"I’ve flirted with and fantasized about other guys, but I’ve never really done anything drastic. I don’t think I could ever cheat on my boyfriend." –Conscience Queen, 24, Segment Producer

Diagnosis: Fantastic fantasy (FYI, you ain’t the one saving your partner’s world)

Symptoms:

• Constant flirting with anyone in sight.

• Catching the latest Vin Diesel or Pamela Anderson Lee flick at least 20 times.

• Calling out other names in bed (tsk, tsk!).

• Always wishing you were more responsible like so-and-so or sweeter than this-and-that.

Rx: Not to worry, this is a mild case, just a distant cousin of cheating. It’s hardly a threat–unless the symptoms keep acting up. Keep communication lines open about concerns you may feel your partner is keeping from you and vice-versa. Work on any obstacle together, and you’ll have nothing major to worry about.

Curiosity: ‘I need to know’

"Being in a perfect relationship is like eating the most delicious cake or dessert in the world. After some time, you get tired of eating it. You want another viand. Or like the most exotic beach paradise, you grow tired of the same place after some time. You want to explore the world and know what else is out there."– Antsy Pants, 25, Photographer

Diagnosis: The "Strike anytime, anywhere with anyone" disease

Symptoms:

• Not completely satisfied with just one partner… just because!

• Sex is just really sex.

• Size, shape, form, delivery–it’s all a fun experiment; the more, the better!

• You’re out to compete with Dolphy.

Rx: Understandably, it’s hard to qualify what good sex is when you’ve only ever had one partner all your life. But dude, here’s four letters for you–A.I.D.S.! Get help!

You don’t bring me flowers anymore

"I made out with an ex-boyfriend. Though we never really had closure, I wasn’t getting the attention that I wanted from my current partner. He never got jealous, and I think any healthy relationship should have the slightest tinge of it. The other guy made me feel like a woman. I hate myself for it, but it fulfilled my need at the time."–Desperate Times, 22, Model

Diagnosis: Craving for attention disorder

Symptoms:

• You willingly admit you’ve watched a movie with an ex and your partner doesn’t mind in the least!

• Partnership to you can be comparable to sibling-hood (so saaaaad!).

• You actually have a seismographic reading of each other’s mood swings.

• Um, when was the last time you had sex again? (Ooohh…)

Rx: Okay, point taken. Partners, be sensitive to your attention-seeking lover’s needs. As for all you kulang sa pansins, know that life isn’t fireworks all the time. Try and meet somewhere in the happy middle.

Substance abuse

"I shared a kiss with someone else early in a relationship with another. It was alcohol-induced, and it won’t happen again. If the reverse happened, I’d be pissed. But at the same time try and understand the circumstances around it."–Dazed and Confused, 29, Guitarist

Diagnosis: The "I wasn’t myself" malady

Symptoms:

• Drunk, and totally void of sound mind.

• Drunk, and pretending to be totally void of sound mind.

• Must be "high" and incapable of making wise judgments.

• "High" and pretending to be incapable of making the right judgment.

Rx: Be wise enough to know your substance limit in the future. As for lying, cheating fools who don’t give your lovers enough credit in the brain department, maybe you deserve to be caught, chewed on, and spat on the curb.

When there’s nothing left to give

"Yeah, I cheated on my boyfriend before. Technically. But it was because it was long over before that. We just didn’t know how to break up. He knew that. We’re good friends until now.

I’m not really proud of it. I don’t ever want to do it again. I thought it would never happen to me! My ex and I were so confident! We really trusted each other, we weren’t possessive." – Dry as Wood, 23, Assistant Director

Diagnosis: "Last Resort" Blues

Symptoms:

• When you’ve heard "I’ll try my best to change" over a thousand times.

• When happiness is a surprise vacation…away from each other!

• When it’s just a complete and utter chore to have to look at your partner’s face.

Rx: Hard habit to break, this one. The solace you find in the "other" may end up being totally hazardous to your health and sanity. Just pray that the inevitable break-up is an amicable one.

Revenge

"Are you kidding? You thought I’d let my husband get away with that kind of murder? Hell no! I fought back and boy did I have fun with it! To this day, he has no clue. he’ll forever be a puppy at my beck and call. I never asked for things to be this way. His karma is my advantage."–Clever Beaver, 36, Housewife

Diagnosis: Revenge!

Symptoms: Revenge!

Rx: This is probably the most logical reason to engage in any form of extra-marital, cheating-on-your-partner, being-a-complete-ass kind two-timing (or three, four, five…) activity. Clearly, many stoop to loathe-worthy levels to either:

• Prove to themselves that they are equal in all things… even when it comes to being complete degenerates.

• Use it as a way to wash the memory of their lovers’ actions out of their system… sort of like canceling out in algebra.

or

• Finally have an excuse to try it anyway–yet get away scott-free.

At the end of the day

Being unfaithful is normally a far-fetched concept for the highly normal and structured human being. It’s not meant to be part of anyone’s moral fiber. Until time, experience, and life in general gnaws away at the very core of personal ethics.

Be it a chick scorned by a lover found to have pseudo-concubines at his beck and call or a 40-year-old willing to test his "marketability" and risk losing his family, there is always that possibility of people going astray.

I am not heeding that reality. But if I could promise you a world of perfect couplehood, I would click my Japanese Slippers together thrice and wish all this madness away. Then again, life without problems will be horrifyingly boring to bear, and there would be nothing for Boy Abunda and Kris Aquino to cover.

And we can’t have that, now, can we? Besides, you can never really imagine what hasn’t personally happened to you. Let he who has no faults of his own cast the first stone.

* * *

*As always, the names of the players involved in this discourse have purposely been bastardized to drive the point home… and give them the shielding of a lifetime. Maybe one day, you’ll come across these brave individuals and hear their interesting stories first hand… or have the pleasure of being their special ‘OTHER’! Naughty, naughty!)