Survivor 3

What’s more challenging than Survivor? More "real"than reality television? More "jack-assy" than Jackass?

Hey, it’s the Philippines’ version of in-your-face, on-the-edge living, and it could soon be sweeping all of Southeast Asia.

I’m talking about the unfortunate string of Abu Sayyaf kidnappings from local beach resorts, a problem that doesn’t look like it’s about to go away. With stakes and prizes this high for the Abu Sayyaf rebels, you’d better believe there’s going to be a third season.

I’ve been watching the news and reading the newspapers, a little numbed and hypnotized by the latest roundup at Dos Palmas Resort in Palawan, thinking how, in the past, my wife and I have been guests at similar resorts, oblivious to all threats of roving terrorists. Just trying to get a little sun, a little downtime.

And then, all of this. Somehow, the two sets of abductions (a week earlier from Pearl Farm on Samal island, and then the pre-dawn sweep at Dos Palmas) seem surreal to me, as if we’ve seen this game before – scarcely a year ago, in fact, when Abu Sayyaf baddies grabbed over 20 foreigners from Sipadan resort off Malaysia. They say those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and it appears that the failure to finish off the Abu Sayyaf during former President Estrada’s abbreviated term has led to more of the same. (Oh, that and some $20 million in payoffs to the bandits for the release of kidnap victims.) Now the Navy, naturally enough, are complaining that their vessels can’t keep up with the Abu’s snazzy new patrol boats.

It feels like comedy, but of course, it’s not.

Maybe it’s the start of a new TV craze in these parts, something the Department of Tourism may want to grab a piece of, before they’re left out of the ratings race. Maybe the DOT should use its ingenuity and pluck in order to turn an economic liability into the fastest-growing, fever-paced game show in all of Southeast Asia.

I’m talking about Who Wants to be a Beach Resort Survivor?

Hey, who says the Australian outback has to have all the fun?

The rules would be pretty simple on Who Wants to be a Beach Resort Survivor? Contestants would be randomly selected from among one of 100 beach resorts dotting the Philippines’ coastal waters. The plucky tourists would then be taken to a remote and undisclosed island, where the process of negotiations would go on… and on.

That’s when the real excitement begins. Who has what it takes to put up with mosquitoes, dengue fever and a forced diet of rice and mashed beet cake? Who’s going to be the first to group-hug the guest Abu rebels for a photo-op? And as the intriga really heats up, which among the motley crew of contestants will crack first? Will it be the garrulous Germans? The feisty French? The poker-faced Chinese? The reluctant Malaysians? Or the plucky Americans?

The goal on Who Wants to be a Beach Resort Survivor? would be slightly different from its American counterpart, Survivor. Here, the aim would be to cajole, persuade, bribe and otherwise annoy your captors to the point where you are swiftly voted off the island. To this end, contestants will start out with P1 million each… and it’s up to them to negotiate and barter their way to freedom. Along the way, they’re going to run into incompetent government negotiators, rival Abu chiefs, and locals looking for a cut of the action. Players would be advised not to use up their "freedom money" in the early elimination rounds – because they’re going to need it later when they come down to the wire.

Who would pay for such a horrible television show? Sponsors, of course. Baygon would be a natural (got to ward off those pesky island insects). So would the pharmaceuticals, especially the makers of Diatabs, the industrial-strength anti-diarrhea medicine. It wouldn’t hurt to tie in with Chippy and San Miguel as well: those contestants are going to want to party, since for the most part they’ll be sitting around like the cast members of Gilligan’s Island for eternity.

And what would the grand prize be? I haven’t figured that out yet. Certainly not a return trip to any of the participating beach resorts. No, not that.

One strange phenomenon that seems to afflict former hostages taken by the Abu Sayyaf is empathy. Many of them appear to be less than grateful toward the Philippine government when they are eventually released or manage to escape. I think this is called "Stockholm Syndrome": an identification and sympathy with one’s captors. It could be that they see for themselves the poverty and general misery of so many living in Mindanao, where the main Abu Sayyaf strongholds are located. However, the $20 million or so reportedly collected by the Abu bandits last time round doesn’t seem to have been channeled into any significant upliftment programs. Then again, Mindanaoans seem rather loyal in protecting the lair of the Abu Sayyaf. As we can see, this is a problem that requires the blunt force of a Tomahawk missile, applied with a precise surgeon’s skill. We can only hope that Pres. Gloria Arroyo has learned something from the mistakes of previous presidents and is up to the task.

Already, Philippine authorities are warning foreign media people to stay away from the Abu Sayyaf stronghold, else risk becoming hostages themselves. That tack never seems to work with journalists, though, for whom being held by gun-wielding rebels is simply a paid break away from the office. Later, they can leisurely hammer out their notes into best-sellers.

My stepfather in the States has been watching the news, watching and worrying about us. Having lived in Germany during the serious Cold War days, he says he recognizes the feeling of fear: the sense that, any day, you yourself may be picked up, without warning, and the reminder to always keep a travel bag packed and handy. He scoffs at the Abu Sayyaf warning that "all will be killed if anyone attempts a rescue."(How quaint. I mean, really, why would terrorists play their one ace card? What would they have left?)

My stepdad notes that the two Americans involved in the Dos Palmas raid – Kansas missionaries Martin and Gracia Burnham – are "second-time hostages." This is remarkable. This means there are Americans, and many other people around the world, for whom abduction has already been a reality in their lives. Thus, they are better prepared for it. These people have what it takes to cross the finish line. In fact, they may have in their arsenal the one weapon that can ultimately defeat terrorism: patience.